Blending In
It required a series of circumstances to cast an outline on this chameleon's shape, bringing me to the brink of exhaustion of
performing, of changing to match those around me, to losing who I am after years of mimicking and blending in with others. It originated from the stress and anxiety of
raising two small children - one of which consumed additional time and care, misunderstandings between close family members resulting
in strained relationships, creating a photography business resulting in additional anxiety and unexplained animosity from local mom photographers, having Mason diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and
then living in the same area for almost a decade which translated into no
“restarts” to learn from past mistakes.
For the first time in my life, I was (and still am) forced to labor beyond the two to three year time frame previously set on local friendships, and I have failed miserably. All of this spiraled into increased
depression, anxiety and stress.
As we began the process of having Mason evaluated through clinical interviews, testing and counseling, there were numerous instances when I was hearing issues and behavior about myself as well as my son. During that time I never mentioned it openly to anyone. My wake up call came from Scott's frustrated statement of why he could not understand my inability to assist our son when I exhibit a plethora of similar traits. My first response was denial tainted with a tad bit of shock. How dare he compare me to Mason! But it was a sobering statement, which quickly prompted this reply… "I can't help him because I don't know how to help myself." It has taken almost three years to gather up courage to make the call for help as well as the patience from a loving husband who desperately longed for his wife to find peace. After clinical interviews and days of testing, I was officially diagnosed on February 25, 2014 with Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Social Phobia and a few others I am not ready to share at this time. Needless to say this has been extremely emotional, difficult and overwhelming to process, but it is the start of a new beginning, a new journey.
I reveal my findings, my "true self" with you all in hopes for your ability to understand more about who I am, especially if I have wronged you in some way. I am plagued daily via anxiety regarding this issue simply because I honestly have no idea if I have. It is a relief to finally know the diagnosis, the ability to reveal a portion of the chameleon to the world, to finally have answers, but a shock to know society classifies these issues as disabled, to have no cure. Not for one minute do I classify myself as disabled, just different. And why would I need a cure? What is normal? I just long for the tools necessary to continue on in this exhausting Neurotypical World. In the days ahead, I plan to pursue my doctor’s recommendations for treatment, to research and gain as much knowledge about being an Aspie, especially a female one which I have recently discovered is much different from the male counterpart and as to NO surprise - so hard to diagnose. I also will be blogging about what I have concealed over the past 40 something years as well as future experiences, events and treatment in order for me to process and reflect upon this revelation and in turn hope to help anyone who is or knows of someone who is struggling with AS. Please feel free to join me in this journey, but be prepared for honest truth while reading this blog. I may still try to blend in with my surroundings in person, but my thoughts and feelings in these posts will not be camouflaged.
6 comments:
I adore you just the way you are my dear, sweet friend.
I think many people are chameleons just hiding what they think is not socially acceptable- but to whom's standards? Funny thing- I have always thought of myself as a chameleon too- maybe for different reasons...Sometimes I wonder if I know who I really am- i have to be so many things to so many people in so many circumstances...
There is a great book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly... Be who you are my friend, be yourself!!
You are so strong. You are amazing, and I've always looked up to and envied you and your family. You all should be nothing but proud... I will look forward to reading everything you share! :) keep your head up and stay the strong woman you've always been.
I think you are so brave to do this, and I am certain I will identify with you on many levels. Be real! I've only met you once, but I thought you were delightful. Maybe it takes an introvert to know (and love) one.
I suffer from some of the things you've mentioned. The best advice I ever got on this subject: "be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend or family member who was going through the same struggle." Acceptance and truth were stepping stones on the road to peace for me. May they be yours as well, friend!
I love you sweet friend of mine and my bag is packed to go on this journey with you. Never ending hugs to you.
Serious kudos on this step in your journey for at least understanding more about yourself and possible insight for Mason's own journey. The "Norm" is seriously overrated but as long as the focus is to bring some peace of mind, stability and hopefully inner quiet for you and your loved ones then do what you feel you need to do towards that. There may be no "cures" as we know it but recognizing the various origins of one's stresses and strains can help with how one might deal with them. I hope only good things for you and your family along the way and beyond. I'm certain you're going to kick ass. You're pretty remarkable that way.
I am a 54 year old woman, who is finally realizing this is me!! It started out as me researching what was up with my hubby (total Aspie!) :) Dawning on me that this was my mother's issue.....seeing some traits in my daughter and finally, finally....knowing that this has been my life story! No diagnosis yet, just starting that journey, but it took becoming a mom, and a lifetime of taking care of others, unknowingly, on the spectrum, that led me to complete depression and burnout. So I have answers now, have mixed feelings of relief and sadness and a type of mourning that I am learning so late in life. And seriously, I feel like I really don't know many NT's!! If that is possible. I am relating to you very much, and am going to spend my day reading your blog! Thank you! I need to make some serious changes for my future so I can help my daughter with her future (hubby in total denial about his own ASD) But that's his issue, not mine. I just needed to have knowledge and understanding to help me!
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