At some point during my adolescence, most likely for an English paper, the question was asked if I could choose any animal to best represent myself, what would it be?  It was an easy choice.  I selected the chameleon because of my ability to blend in with people around me, to become just like everyone else no matter the situation.  Little did I know at that time how true this perception of my persona was.  I learned very quickly as a child to observe those around me before responding and/or reacting to any unknown/unfamiliar environment in fear I would stand out.  I have always felt different but could not express how nor did I even comprehend what it was.  The questions and struggles always remained internal, but my chameleon ability maintained stability and the norm as I continued to interact with the world.  Anytime evidence of my internal true colors started to emerge due to an unexperienced event or situation, it was time to move to another location, another city, another state.  So I had the rare and unique opportunity to start over again when each time my family moved, allowing me to adapt to new surroundings and people while applying corrections to mistakes previously made.  

It required a series of circumstances to cast an outline on this chameleon's shape, bringing me to the brink of exhaustion of performing, of changing to match those around me, to losing who I am after years of mimicking and blending in with others.  It originated from the stress and anxiety of raising two small children - one of which consumed additional time and care, misunderstandings between close family members resulting in strained relationships, creating a photography business resulting in additional anxiety and unexplained animosity from local mom photographers, having Mason diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and then living in the same area for almost a decade which translated into no “restarts” to learn from past mistakes.  For the first time in my life, I was (and still am) forced to labor beyond the two to three year time frame previously set on local friendships, and I have failed miserably.  All of this spiraled into increased depression, anxiety and stress. 

As we began the process of having Mason evaluated through clinical interviews, testing and counseling, there were numerous instances when I was hearing issues and behavior about myself as well as my son. During that time I never mentioned it openly to anyone.  My wake up call came from Scott's frustrated statement of why he could not understand my inability to assist our son when I exhibit a plethora of similar traits.  My first response was denial tainted with a tad bit of shock.  How dare he compare me to Mason!  But it was a sobering statement, which quickly prompted this reply… "I can't help him because I don't know how to help myself." It has taken almost three years to gather up courage to make the call for help as well as the patience from a loving husband who desperately longed for his wife to find peace. After clinical interviews and days of testing,  I was officially diagnosed on February 25, 2014 with Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Social Phobia and a few others I am not ready to share at this time.  Needless to say this has been extremely emotional, difficult and overwhelming to process, but it is the start of a new beginning, a new journey.

I reveal my findings, my "true self" with you all in hopes for your ability to understand more about who I am, especially if I have wronged you in some way.  I am plagued daily via anxiety regarding this issue simply because I honestly have no idea if I have.  It is a relief to finally know the diagnosis, the ability to reveal a portion of the chameleon to the world, to finally have answers, but a shock to know society classifies these issues as disabled, to have no cure.  Not for one minute do I classify myself as disabled, just different. And why would I need a cure?  What is normal?  I just long for the tools necessary to continue on in this exhausting Neurotypical World.  In the days ahead, I plan to pursue my doctor’s recommendations for treatment, to research and gain as much knowledge about being an Aspie, especially a female one which I have recently discovered is much different from the male counterpart and as to NO surprise - so hard to diagnose.  I also will be blogging about what I have concealed over the past 40 something years as well as future experiences, events and treatment in order for me to process and reflect upon this revelation and in turn hope to help anyone who is or knows of someone who is struggling with AS.  Please feel free to join me in this journey, but be prepared for honest truth while reading this blog.  I may still try to blend in with my surroundings in person, but my thoughts and feelings in these posts will not be camouflaged.