Female Aspieology: Confessions of a Chameleon

"And oh how it unchains my daily torment!"

About three months ago, a combination of events, prolonged issues and unsettling pressure coupled with perceived expectations began to create excess anxiety and depression, which inevitable took grasp within me. The result was a full force meltdown. It was during this time when I withdrew from Facebook as well as from my passions, interests, people - well practically just about everything. I will explain more in detail at a later time, but had to share what is giving me peace during this turbulent experience. There is a place and time when nothing matters, where I feel comfort and pure joy. I don't have to go far, just my back patio. The time frame is perfect and limited, just at the moment when the sun says goodbye to the day. A couple of nights ago I captured the picture above. Within seconds inspiration and creativity took hold as the words spilled out uncontrollably from the heart expressing how this therapy that God grants us every night (weather permitting) brings hope to my weary and stressed being. How many of you have a special place or time that is all your own, when you feel at liberty to just be, to become yourself with no restraints, demands, expectations and pressures? Where and when is your moment to be free?

So many people do not understand that adult Aspies can suffer from meltdowns and looping, that we can shut down for an undetermined amount of time lasting a few hours, days or even several months. And people will never even realize that the looping and shut down is happening right in front of them especially for female Aspies because we keep that mask on nice and tight.

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Speechless and Stunned

A little over a week ago marked the one-year anniversary when I announced on Facebook to family and friends about my diagnoses but more specifically Aspergers. Looking back over the past year, I find it very important to share the setbacks and progress made. Last year's reveal was such a relief, a burden lifted being able to let my guard down. The amount of Facebook love and support from everyone was incredible and wonderful. There were several relationship causalities along the way, but I am learning from it and continue to move forward. I guess my expectations had me believing there was now a continued open dialogue between friends and family regarding any past incidents and/or discussions regarding autism. I quickly realized the opposite was happening. I so desperately wanted to discuss these issues, what was going on in my thoughts, but I never felt people seemed open to that discussion. A week or so after my announcement, I found myself putting back on the mask in fear that I had now made people uncomfortable. I put on that happy face, the people pleasing one, and dove right back into life as if nothing happened. I think what it boiled down to is that no one really knew how to broach the subject. I was miserable thinking I had let others and myself down. I no longer had a desire to share my experiences either orally or through writing. And on top of everything else, our family was in the middle of a cross-country move. With monumental change and upheaval in the works, I had to maintain pure focus on our new location and Mason.

As with any move, it takes time to adjust, to familiarize one's self with new surroundings, cultures and routines. We were all consumed with trying to find our way, figuring out and fitting in to Colorado life. My sole focus was simply to create a home and successfully set the kids up in their new school. After months of this obsessive attention to our new life, this email appeared in my inbox...

Hi Aunt Fifi!

At school i had to turn in a personal narrative by a family member. So mom printed out a passage of your blog, called " Blending In."

And guess what? My Teacher loved it! My teacher read the first paragraph to my class, and we had a whole discussion about Aspergers.

We also talked about this movie called " Temple Brendan" ( i don't know how to spell it though), which is about a teenager girl that also had Aspergers. Anyways, my teacher loved it so much, she is making a copy of it today, and then giving it back to me.

I just wanted to let you know that your story is inspiring others.

Love you + I miss you,

Gwen

Speechless and stunned, all I could do was simply let the tears stream down my face as I immediately realized two very important things:

1. My perception and expectations of how things should have gone following the reveal were constricting and stifling. I was not looking at the bigger picture, not allowing alternative ways of expression.

2. It is time to pick back up where I stopped, speak from the heart and continue to share experiences, ideas and knowledge.

I cannot express in words how much it meant for my sister, Sheila, to use "Blending In" (my reveal) as Gwendolyn's homework assignment. Even more encouraging was my niece's beautiful and sweet email. (They are pictured above.) I love you both, and thank you so much for your support, for reminding me I can take off my mask. Of course, I did not immediately do so. It has also taken a gradual increase in Facebook likes on the Female Aspieology page to get me to restart. Last Thursday two Autism groups, Spectrum Rising and Autism Awareness promoted my Facebook page on theirs causing an explosion of likes from all over the world. I am humbled, renewed and excited to return to the journey I started a year ago. There is a saying in our household that began shortly after moving to Colorado - "You can't have success without failure." I have failed, failed in believing in myself, my friends and family, failed in moving forward, but that only means that if I learn from this failure, I am guaranteed success. So, in a nutshell - I'm back! ;-) And stay tuned. :-)

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Holding On To The Beautiful Words

(Originally the subject matter of this next blog post was to shed light relating to characteristics of a female aspie, but felt compelled to disclose my experiences after posting on Facebook last week. )

Before informing the world about my diagnosis, I spent time uncovering other aspie blogs depicting their experiences with the aftermath of sharing such a personal revelation. After uncovering their encounters, I was ready for the "Are you sure?", "Will you grow out of it?", "But it's a male diagnosis?", "Did you go to a real doctor?" or "Should you get a second opinion?" remarks. I was even prepared for the "Rain Man" reference. But I was surprised to find that none of the reactions I had prepared for actually happened. Instead, I found there to be three types of responses: condemning, narcissistic and supportive.

The last thing you want to do when someone bears their soul admitting to faults and shortcomings is to throw stones at them. In reality, those stones are simply issues, which do not pertain to the intended target but from the one throwing them. There is no doubt in my mind of the collateral damage caused by my condition. I admit it and own up to this. I aim to reconcile and salvage broken relationships to the best of my abilities, but not when the other party is stuck in the past placing the full blame of a botched friendship as well as their inability to create close relationships on me, refusing to acknowledge their own faults. I am only interested in moving forward. As I felt the issues and accusations being hurled towards me, the realization hit that I will not be able to mend every relationship. And that's OK. I have no animosity towards someone who attacks me. I understand and forgive, but it means to move on without them. It is a relief to recognize this fact giving me a sense of freedom and positive closure.

I think what surprised me the most though was the overwhelming private messages of people sharing their own personal struggles directly relating to if not one but a couple of the same issues. Heartfelt individual stories filled with encouragement, love, advice and support providing this woman with a clear and defined insight of comradery. The advice was profound and inspirational. Below is a collection of advice, encouragement and list of books from some of those brave souls... advice and information I have already begun to implement and hope equips others with the tools to face obstacles and daily battles:

Slow down, breathe and give yourself first the time to adjust to the news.
Research and learn ALL you can about each diagnosis, from ALL sources, not just medical ones, but from people that have the same or similar things. It is from THEM you will learn the most. They are living it daily. Doctors tell us textbook answers because that's all they know.
Give yourself time to grieve. Yes, I said grieve. It's ok to be upset and mourn. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you are going through the process you need to.
Any chance of ever being normal can be distressing. You might grieve for the person you could have been without autism, or for the person you could have been if you’d been diagnosed as a child. Be prepared for shock, denial, anger, and depression, before you finally reach acceptance. You might whizz through these emotions in a matter of hours or days, or it might take months or even years.
Don't feel rushed to fix it and make everything better over night. You need time to figure this all out.
Don't be afraid to give yourself whatever you and your family needs to handle this. Always be up front with Scott and the kids. They are in this battle too. They will have no clue some days what to say or do and that's OK too. Just tell them you don't either, that you will all learn together. It's OK for our children to know life is not always perfect and can be down right messy at times, but it's how we react to it that matters.
Let go of perfectionism. Don't be hard on yourself. You are a compassionate person to others, so show that same compassion to yourself. Don’t go over all the stuff you did wrongly or rightly before you knew you were an aspie. You’ll have done the best you could, and all without a vital piece of self-knowledge. Forgive your old self. Get to know your new self. You are a good and wonderful person, and there’s a whole world of aspies out there waiting to say Hi!
When anxious, excuse yourself from the situation and give yourself time to regroup.
When depressed, admit you are sad, giving permission to allow the emotion and know it is OK. Tomorrow is another day.
God created you and knows you more than you do. He has been and always will be with you through all of this.
Remember you are blessed with a kind and understanding man who stands by your side. Appreciate him, let him know when you need to lean on him.
Journal your thoughts: Give permission to yourself to think about things, situations, events and emotions you don't want to and write them down.
Some days you will want to tackle the world and other days just getting out of bed will be too much. Both are equally fine, so don't pressure yourself to feel like Wonder Woman everyday!
I think much of what we experience in our lives is to teach a life lesson so we can help others. I hope that as you go through this part of your journey that you will really hold on to the beautiful words so many of your loved ones have shared with you and know I am here for you if you just need someone to listen without judgment!

Books Recommended:

Daring Greatly

Driven to Distraction

Delivered from Distraction

This information comes at the best time possible, especially since at no surprise based on our experiences with Mason, I am having difficulties finding the doctors and treatment needed. Florida is nowhere prepared for the volume of AS cases, and pray legislators wise up.

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Blending In

At some point during my adolescence, most likely for an English paper, the question was asked if I could choose any animal to best represent myself, what would it be? It was an easy choice. I selected the chameleon because of my ability to blend in with people around me, to become just like everyone else no matter the situation. Little did I know at that time how true this perception of my persona was. I learned very quickly as a child to observe those around me before responding and/or reacting to any unknown/unfamiliar environment in fear I would stand out. I have always felt different but could not express how nor did I even comprehend what it was. The questions and struggles always remained internal, but my chameleon ability maintained stability and the norm as I continued to interact with the world. Anytime evidence of my internal true colors started to emerge due to an unexperienced event or situation, it was time to move to another location, another city, another state. So I had the rare and unique opportunity to start over again when each time my family moved, allowing me to adapt to new surroundings and people while applying corrections to mistakes previously made.

It required a series of circumstances to cast an outline on this chameleon's shape, bringing me to the brink of exhaustion of performing, of changing to match those around me, to losing who I am after years of mimicking and blending in with others. It originated from the stress and anxiety of raising two small children - one of which consumed additional time and care, misunderstandings between close family members resulting in strained relationships, creating a photography business resulting in additional anxiety and unexplained animosity from local mom photographers, having Mason diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and then living in the same area for almost a decade which translated into no “restarts” to learn from past mistakes. For the first time in my life, I was (and still am) forced to labor beyond the two to three year time frame previously set on local friendships, and I have failed miserably. All of this spiraled into increased depression, anxiety and stress.

As we began the process of having Mason evaluated through clinical interviews, testing and counseling, there were numerous instances when I was hearing issues and behavior about myself as well as my son. During that time I never mentioned it openly to anyone. My wake up call came from Scott's frustrated statement of why he could not understand my inability to assist our son when I exhibit a plethora of similar traits. My first response was denial tainted with a tad bit of shock. How dare he compare me to Mason! But it was a sobering statement, which quickly prompted this reply… "I can't help him because I don't know how to help myself." It has taken almost three years to gather up courage to make the call for help as well as the patience from a loving husband who desperately longed for his wife to find peace. After clinical interviews and days of testing, I was officially diagnosed on February 25, 2014 with Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Social Phobia and a few others I am not ready to share at this time. Needless to say this has been extremely emotional, difficult and overwhelming to process, but it is the start of a new beginning, a new journey.

I reveal my findings, my "true self" with you all in hopes for your ability to understand more about who I am, especially if I have wronged you in some way. I am plagued daily via anxiety regarding this issue simply because I honestly have no idea if I have. It is a relief to finally know the diagnosis, the ability to reveal a portion of the chameleon to the world, to finally have answers, but a shock to know society classifies these issues as disabled, to have no cure. Not for one minute do I classify myself as disabled, just different. And why would I need a cure? What is normal? I just long for the tools necessary to continue on in this exhausting Neurotypical World. In the days ahead, I plan to pursue my doctor’s recommendations for treatment, to research and gain as much knowledge about being an Aspie, especially a female one which I have recently discovered is much different from the male counterpart and as to NO surprise - so hard to diagnose. I also will be blogging about what I have concealed over the past 40 something years as well as future experiences, events and treatment in order for me to process and reflect upon this revelation and in turn hope to help anyone who is or knows of someone who is struggling with AS. Please feel free to join me in this journey, but be prepared for honest truth while reading this blog. I may still try to blend in with my surroundings in person, but my thoughts and feelings in these posts will not be camouflaged.

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